“I could create Queen sequel-2 with my experience now”, I said to myself when I was in that city trying my best to survive every moment that passed by. No, none ditched me really or maybe I got ditched. For once in life, I took that risk and travelled that far with the slightest hope of re-establishing that connection. Connection? We shared a “telepathic connection”, as he called it.
Three long years or four since I knew him and I had lost it completely, yes I loved him in the most pure and selfless way one can or atleast I could. When I met him there (the place where our friendship blossomed) he was in a relationship and I knew what was right for me, and I thought the feelings, the infatuation had all dissolved in the friendship we shared, but sigh I was wrong. And it took me another year after we parted that I realised or accepted the truth. It was late by then, no not that he had waited for me or something after his break-up. But late before I could make him realise about his feelings. “I was set on fire”, he had said to me when I danced with a friend. Inside somewhere, I knew how much he loved me (only back then) His eyes, they mesmerised me, so much that I could talk about the effect the whole day. But now these talks seem just like an undigested piece of food. Why did I fall for these things? Why did I love him? etc etc were few questions which could have frustrated me, but I knew one thing for sure~ I do not regret it. Not that I am still in that imaginary world but because they taught me lesson for a lifetime or maybe for lives to come. All of it gave me pain, so much pain that I could physically feel it for so long in my heart, pain which would like Chemotherapy (as I see it), and the sad feelings which keep coming back like Cancer. Sad feelings for the parting memories I have of him~ when he left the city we met in, when I left for the train, and the last one which he made the worst.
I know it is for the best and most importantly I know he doesn’t deserve me. I mean it when I say it coz I know it. When you’re SiXtEen, you have your first love and it’s special… I cherish those special feelings, yes I do. But when you’re TwentyOne and still not over that 1st love, it is true love. But that doesn’t mean it is the love you deserve or desire for that matter. I didn’t realise all of that sitting comfortably in my drawing room. Instead it took me tears and buckets full of tears to realise just an ounce of all that, Whisky and Vodka did for the rest.
I changed and I knew it wasn’t for good but the best was what I said to myself. There’s no hatred but what’s more important is there’s no love I have for him anymore. And this feeling of living your life for yourself not really working upon your looks for someone else but for yourself is incredibly beautiful and I love it and I love the universe and am grateful to it every moment that passes by for being so generous when I needed friends, being so kind when I had shaken deep within and being so loving when I needed love.
Love? Do I still believe in that word which almost made me stop living. Infact my faith became stronger in God and Love. And I know there will be a time again I would love unconditionally because I know it wasn’t him who made me love but this thingy which continually beats on the left. Though I am not really sure when or how, because it’s easy said than done. But how does it really matter? I know I am in love with myself, and a whole bunch of other people I know (family and friends), so why wait for that one blah blah.
P.S. I have started to admire beauty (not the right word 😛 ) around, yet again!